“Why are you so amazing?” or, Why you need to stop comparing yourself to others.

Comparing yourself to other people is a behaviour that is bred into us from a very young age. From the start, we learn that an A is better than B, and that if you get a B, you’re inferior in some way. As you get older, the same standard might end up being applied to achievements.

This happened to me this past week.

There was a girl I had met earlier but only recently got to know. She’s a year younger than me. She rejected offers from both Columbia and UC Berkeley to come to the school I go to. She’s developed an app that will be used by the Manhattan Board of Tourism. She already has investors. And in the most admirable, humble, uncondescending way possible, she offered me a job (I know, right?!). In this context, it’s very easy to ask “Why are you so amazing?”

Of course, if you’re anything like me, this question has an implicit clause to it: why aren’t I as successful?

All things considered, I’m a pretty smart guy. How come I haven’t done that yet? How come I haven’t done anything nearly as cool as that yet? It’s envy and self-criticism rolled into one unhappy ball.

It’s understandable that we compare ourselves. I’m not saying it’s healthy or wise or in any way productive, but it’s understandable because it’s a behaviour that’s been bred into us. And unlike many of my previous posts, there’s not very much I’ve discovered that lessens feeling like less.

The one thing I’ve found that makes things a little better is to remember the iceberg axiom: you only see the top, when there are miles of it underneath the surface. You can’t possibly know what that person has journeyed through to achieve their success. They may have gone through streaks of sleepless nights. They may have family connections. They may just be that good. All of these people exist. You don’t know how they got their success, and you also know, or should know, that their success doesn’t diminish your own.

If this iceberg analogy is only cold comfort, good. It’s supposed to be. You comparing yourself is, in my view, a decent implication of wanting to be great. Now you know that, and knowing is half the battle. But as a good friend of mine once said, doing is the other half. If you want to do something great, go and do it. Or don’t, and keep doing whatever you do if you are happy with it, since that’s great enough. Greatness takes different forms and shapes and sizes.

But don’t waste your energy on resentment, and own your burdens. Nobody else has them, and they’re yours to carry until you’re strong enough not to notice them. And when you achieve greatness, be aware enough, as the girl in my story was, to help people find their way.

Editor’s note: If you have a topic idea, I’d love to hear from you! Suggestions can be made in the comments section or on Twitter @JeremyDeMello.